Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Air Force Pants Drop


The United States Air Force will be conducting a pants drop in Columbia in the near future for people who need them like those wearing pajama bottoms. The military noticed the epidemic of pajama bottoms in Columbia and devised the operation several months ago. The operation will be carried out this summer which will also include shorts and whatever.

Goats Eating Boats?

A herd of a few dozen roving goats has been spotted several times in the Columbia area.  Boaters are particularly alarmed, since the goats have been seen eating the trim off of boats docked along the shore.
The goats were seen LAST WEEK coming down off a hill at Chickies in the same vicinity of the white wolves.



Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Scholars Think River Rats Were Brought Here on Carts and Inspired a Poet


The foundations of the Civil War piers across the Susquehanna River between Columbia and Wrightsville which were believed to have been built in the 19th century are actually centuries older reports from local archaeologists indicate. It is believed that the river rat cult built the original foundations of the piers to bring horse-drawn carts of rats across the river to this area in tribute to the species.



Dr. Kent J. Flippard, professor emeritus of literature from Franklin & Marshall College said the romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley may have been inspired by this river rat cult when he visited the area in the 1800s. He originally called his famous poem Ozyratdias meaning Divine Power of the Rat of Days (in Latin) or the Rat Who Rules All Days. To satisfy readers of his day the poet had to change the title of the poem and make it a tribute to a lost king instead of a rat. Shelley believed two vast and trunkless legs of stone stood on the shore of the Susquehanna on the Columbia side. The legs were the base of a giant River Rat statue that was since destroyed when later bridges were built. The statue was believed to stand where the piers are built on the land near River park and was thought to be 2000 years old.

Artifacts from Ancient River Rat Cult Found Along the Banks of the Susquehanna


Various artifacts believed to be evidence of an ancient river rat cult have been found along the banks of the Susquehanna roughly from the Rte. 462 Bridge to Plane Street. Archaeologists from Millersville University believe the artifacts predate the Susquehannock Indians and may date back as far as 2,000 years ago. Carbon dating tests will be done in the near future. Artifacts consist of pottery shards showing painted river rats,  river rat images carved into small stones and small metal objects believed to be a form of currency holding the images of river rats.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Pull Up Your Pants or Get Fined

The boro is in discussion about passing dress code ordinances for the town. One ordinance would prevent people from wearing pajama bottoms in public.  The practice is unhygienic and violators will be fined $100 for each infraction.



A second discussion governs the practice of wearing saggy pants. Violators will be fined $10 for each inch the pants fall below the waist line.  Pants crotch must be at least 6 inches above the knees. Columbia Police have just been issued special laser-operated tape measures to enforce the ordinance. Any evidence of "buttock cleavage" will draw an automatic $100 fine under the proposed ordinance.  Police have also been authorized to issue belts to offenders.

Large Fans Will Clean Up 4th St.

Columbia is renting two large fans to clean up trash on the100 block of S. 4th St. A local firm now owns the fans and will rent them to Columbia. The fans were used for special effects in the Hollywood movie "Twister" and move about on four-wheeled dollies. In an upcoming one-day operation, trash will be blown down 4th St, then across the 5 points intersection and onto Perry Street, where residents will continue the work with handheld leaf blowers. Residents will be notified a week before the cleanup. Trash will be blown onto Rte 441 where it will be picked up by trash trucks. The cleanup is scheduled for this coming summer.

Wolves Released at Chickies Are Doing Well

Endangered white wolves that were released at Chickies Park two years ago have been spotted several times this spring by park officials. A breeding pair, a male and a female, were originally released at the park due to its ability to safely harbor endangered species.


Three cubs about 6 months old were observed hunting with the alpha pair. The wolves are no danger to the public and are said to prefer a diet of pizza, eggs benedict, and shredded wheat.....and energy bars when they can get them.

The wolves in the picture are fighting over a large bag of Doritos, another favorite snack.